Take 6?!

Right I have now idea how many times I have tried and failed recently to get back into this and failed big time but take 6 feels about right.

I have spent alot of time recently feeling sorry for myself. Not really for anything in particular. The main thing getting me down at the minute is ttc. I am just so bored waiting around for it to happen. Someone made a comment the other day, its something totally stupid really. But when we got married our friends joked that they would put bets on when we would have a baby. They all lost money at some point on this bet. And we were discussing this over easter and one of them said 'well yeah since you had decided to do everything else quite quickly we assumed babies would be next. You need to get a move on really.' Now I know this was a joke and the person has no clue what is actually going on and that we're even having problems. But I just can't shake off the feeling down that if we didn't have these problems we would have a baby or be pregnant by now most likely. All feelings that I never expected to have. My sister is having problems and its been as few years and all the way along I have said she gets too emotional about it and puts herself under too much pressure. Now I feel like such a bitch that I ever said those things to her. At the time I didn't understand how difficult it actually is to switch off from this. It completely takes over your life, brain and all plans that I make now seem to be (unknown to most people) around hospital appointments. I am sick of having bloods tests, questions about my periods (or lack of) and even having to go.

The thing I feel most bad about at the moment is the 'is it all really worth it' questions that I can't get out of my head. Deep down I know of course it is and we want this more than anything in the world. But when I have a bad day I just think giving up and getting more cats is the way we should be going, it's easier and less painful. We are happy, we could have amazing holidays and an amazing house. Then I remember just why we've gone this far and feel selfish for even thinking I didn't want any of it. I had never really questioned myself before on did I actually want children, I've always known I wanted them so to have these feelings now is bugging me. I know I do I just need to snap out it. Next appointment is 25th April so not long at all to wait, just hoping the end is insight.

My weight is another cause of upset. As of yesterday I weight 11st 4lbs. I am really struggling. Think it's a combination of things at the minute, PCOS symptoms, lack of motivation, moving stress and ttc. I seem to find every excuse to cheat. I am trying to fit in a pcos diet with sw which is proving difficult. Means I am using alot of my syns on food something I have never done before. Will keep going with it as I need to get some weight off. I promised myself I would see my wedding weight on the scales again, I had hoped before I got pregnant. Also told my sister once that if the doctor recommended she lose weight to get pregnant then she should do as he said....now its time to practice what I preech I suppose!

Running - a right off at the moment. I hurt my ankle then my knee. Hoping that Saturday I can get back to it. Went out yesterday but my knee hurts again.

Ripped in 30 - pass on this question!!

Plan for the week - just get back to it. I did it, I lost 4 stone, I ran a half marathon and I was once certain we would have a baby. Just need to find some PMA!

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